hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
