He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
