Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
