I can text with my tongue
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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