I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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