you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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