Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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