I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So much rum. So many feels.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....