that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes