The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
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you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
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My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.