A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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