my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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