I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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