I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
