I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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