Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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