Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
