some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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