Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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