that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
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You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
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I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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