if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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