I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
