First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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