Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
