stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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