You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
