Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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