EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
