Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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