i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
