I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
