Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
