I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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