This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
