I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
