The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
where am i from again
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
