I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
