I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
