apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
