My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
seriously i just wanna be friends
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.