I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
