Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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