I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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