My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
