chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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