I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
