Can i not drive my cunt home
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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