Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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