textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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