did you get engaged???
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
