Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
