god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
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It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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