speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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