The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
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My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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