a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
