We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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