It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
