Umm I'm too high to move.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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